fear and anxiety comes from doing things are not common. when you have fear and anxiety realize that it is your body telling you that you are going to do something spectacular.
Acting by far has been challenging and also life changing. I realized that I should do acting after having to do improve exercises for PCN. We had to read a script and honestly it just felt natural. It was fun to read from a script and be this over dramatic person. I loved it. Also after hanging out with Nate and learning about the whole vlogging Youtube sphere I realized that film might be something that I want to try. I want to make videos and I want to live this fashionable life. It’s all really vain, yes? I want people to see my adventures. I want them to see where I go, the place I go to, the food I eat and the places of the travel. I want to take them on this journey —- and yeah it’s kind of vain isn’t it? It’s about portraying my lifestyle and about thinking of myself as more important than I really am. I think about it a lot and it’s like I want this fabulous lifestyle. I want to be like these girls on youtube that are beautiful and get to travel the world and have great hair and make up and all of that shit. I want to be going to art and film festivals and capturing all those moments. It’s all very glamorous. I want people to see me as glamorous.
but I am more than just that. I am smart. I am creative. I want to show that side of me too. I want to test myself and push myself out of these confined boxes. In life there are so many times where people will put you into boxes. You become confined just focuses on one goal and one thing and do the same thing over and over and over again failing to get outside of the box and explore the different facets of yourself.
I am learning so much about myself and I am realizing that these things are not mistakes. We all mistakes but every time I happen to see the way that it was supposed to fit in the bigger picture. It’s all about the bigger picture and self betterment and realizing that on days where you feel small and miniscule that you are more than that. You are someone with so much potential and you can’t allow yourself to be contained. BREAK FREE. Break free from what everyone wants from you and just do what you want. Do whatever you want as long as you know that it will envoke emotion and passion and make you chase after what you want. Allow yourself the time to create new tactics to achieving your goals.
I think one of the things I realized is that at times you have to quit certain activities and it sucks but in the long run it opens more doors. I am quitting dancing. Maybe not indefinitely but for now. I want to focus on being the best at school and working hard towards medical school. I realize now that the sooner I face my fears and stop living in this fear of trying hard and asking questions and learning about the difficulties of medical school the better I will be in the long run. I’m scared shitless. I don’t know how to apply. I don’t know how to study for MCATs. I don’t know when to do that. I don’t know what schools I want to apply to. It’s all kind of a shit hole because I haven’t figured out the logistics but at least I know one thing. I want to become a doctor because I want to end the stigma that is associated with mental illness. I want more people to address their problems and see that mental health is a big issue and it effects everything and that everyone deserves to just be happy. At the end of the day that’s the most important thing to be happy with what you have and appreciate everything because that’s soooo hard at times. My mom calls me out about it all the time because I am inflicted anxiety all the time. Every time I get anxiety my mother tells me to think about how blessed I am. It’s hard at times to think about that and forget about how hard I’ve worked to be where I am at and regardless of how I am doing I could be doing worse. I lack ambition without a clear vision. I have the vision but now it’s just matter of pushing myself and figuring the logistics to make that vision come true.
I hate lowkey hate it when people call me ratchet. I hate it. It’s not a good word because I feel like it puts me down. It makes me feel like I’m uneducated. I hate it. I get disgusted at times by that word and I definitely hate it when people talk to me as if I’m stupid. Oh like what… I am stupid because I like to party and drink? Ugh, I hate that. Yes. I am not the typical “good girl” that is very conservative. I cuss all the time. I am blunt and yeah I’m a little bit crazy but I know that I am sure of myself and regardless of everything I am fucking smart. You know like fuck it. I’m smart and I think about a lot of intellectual things. I find myself thinking about the science behind how something can work, I think about the political issues and discrepancies in society. I think about how race does not exist and is created by society however this leads to an issue about the important of culture. Race exist because want to be keep culture and there is a sense of pride that is associate with different cultures. I think about how complex all of that shit is. I am not dumb. I am not ratchet. The whole word has no meaning. I feel like it’s also associated with being poor in certain senses so it makes me feel weird. I grew up in a very nice middle class suburban area where kids are motherfucking spoiled. idk that word and I guess slang is just difficult because sometimes I don’t mind it and use it freely and then sometimes it bothers the fuck out of me. “I am gracious. I am bright. I am promising”
Back to acting, I’ve been so obsessed with Anna Akana lately. I love the way that she speaks and the way she does it with such clarity. If I were to start Youtubing on the real I’d probably start writing scripts for what I am supposed to say. Acting has taught me how important it is to make yourself clear and understandable. Almost every class we have to make sounds and go through our vocal range. We have to say tongue twisters and enunciate our constants. I’m learning how to speak clearly and with a purpose because everything that we do has a purpose. We need to be more aware of that purpose. One of the biggest challenges of acting and learning how to act is that you’re not supposed to think about what emotion you’re trying to evoke you have to think about objectives. You have to think about what you want the other person to do. Thinking about that one objective allows you to act more realistic because realistically when we are talking to one another it’s not like we are thinking “OH IM GOING TO BE SAD WHILE TALKING TO THIS PERSON.” It’s interesting and and it’s a challenge. It’s also a challenge to try memorize lines and thinking about your objective while speaking. It’s hard to think like a normal person when you’re trying to remember recite lines. It’s hard. It’s hard to get constructive criticism but the reality is that you can do one thing in so many ways. Acting shows you that. You can take any scene and put in any different circumstance and watch it evolve. One should take the situations they are in and try solving it in different ways and acknowledge how different it feels. It feels different and learn what works and what doesn’t work. It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay be anxious because the reality is that it will all be over. In the end it’s not about how good you are. It’s about being better and challenging yourself. Allow yourself to be challenged because that’s how you will grow. I don’t know. I hate the challenge of time management and trying to figure everything out but I know in the end it’s matter of learning stuff enough times to not make the same mistakes.
One should be clear always. I think maybe I will try the trials of acting through Youtube. We’ll see. It scares me but maybe it’ll be inspiring to others to see me come out of this shell. For people to see the progress that I am making and the changes in my life. I know I am the typical person who were to act but it’s all interesting and a great learning experience. I am curious to see what other college courses will inspire me like this and challenge me and make me into a better person with a clearer perspective.
I am learning. I am growing. I am inspired. I am blessed. I have made mistakes. In the end, I am no better than anyone else. We are all on different paths but all of them lead to greatness if we allow ourselves to venture into the unknown. (haha my college essay was about venturing into the unknown).
It’s a bit funny to because I wrote my college personal statements about how I am failure but how I’ve come to terms with it. You will fail but each time you pick yourself up you will be amazed by how far you’ve come.
Two more years at the number one public university and then one day medical school. I want to be the first medical doctor in my family. It’s scary but I can’t let the fear of failing get to me.
yeah, you said something about how my personality sucks. wow. is it because i’m straight forward and blunt?
lol is it because i crushed your ego by telling you that you sound like a completely fucking asshole and i realize that that’s your sense of humor where you try to say something that’s mean in order to sound funny but you just come off offensive as fuck. sorry bruh did that bother you? you need to at least act like you like me in order to make this shit work out. i’m so over your bullshit.
don’t invest your time on meaningless shit.